By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the 27th edition of the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today we will be discussing three individuals who could help the Gunners offload our ever abundant amount of deadwood and beyond that, help us to sell players in general as well.
This piece was inspired by the recent episode of Arsecast when they were speaking about our inability to sell players and Liverpool’s incredible skill in doing so. Just yesterday, Sheffield United paid Liverpool an incredible £23 million for Rhian Brewster, a player who is yet to make a single Premier league appearance for the reds.
So with that, let’s get right into three people who would help Arsenal sell players, because at the moment, we’re clearly incapable of doing so.
Dwight Schrute
The office salesman, Dwight Schrute is known for his aggressive approach to sales and passion for the field of selling anything, especially paper. If the Gunners were to hire him, they would have a man who is willing to die for the badge, which according to many supporters is all one needs to be capable of their job.
Schrute has stated that he likes the cold weather, so a move from Scranton Pennsylvania to London England is not entirely farfetched.
There are two downsides in regards to the burly American from German dissent though. He may have a bias towards players who are as belligerent and willing to fight as he is, leaving us stuck with the likes of Sead Kolasinac.
Furthermore, he is also desperate to be the top dog wherever he goes with the winning mentality he has. It would not surprise me in the slightest if he was to get in good with Mikel Arteta just to try to steal his job.
Despite these downsides, the positives certainly outweigh the negatives for the man who beet farms in his spare time. His desire could help Arsenal improve their currently non-existent ability to sell.
Jesse Pinkman
Another American who could help Arsenal to sell players is that of Jesse Pinkman. With a background in the selling of methamphetamine, I’m sure that he could certainly sell an Arsenal player with ease.
While some of the players that we’d be selling would certainly do some depreciating of health onto whomever purchases them, the repercussions of meth are far worse, statistically. Since 1999, over 10,000 people have died from a methamphetamine overdose, yet Pinkman continues to sell and sells well at that.
The fact is, while he may not be the most professional of people, he is certainly good at his job. Crap Arsenal players have not yet killed a single person since 1999 (that we know of at least) so the selling of deadwood and players that could make us some extra cash would be a walk in the park for the former New Mexico residing dealer that now lives in Alaska in hiding from the American Feds.
Whoever the F*** Liverpool's Person is
In all honesty, scrap Pinkman and Schrute, we should be going for whoever the hell Liverpool’s salesperson is. While selling meth and paper in a seemingly drug dwindling and paperless turning world is impressive, neither of the aforementioned salesmen are pulling off the masterful cons that the Anfield seller is because their products are actually good.
Brewster for over £20 million is possibly the biggest scam in sales history as a whole.
The long list of below average players that whoever is in charge of the sales out of Liverpool is an extremely long one that I refuse to scribe. However, what I will say is that, out of the three mentioned, this, unknown individual is my pick.
Selling meth and paper is easy, selling Dominic Solanke and Brewster for such extortionate fees is not.
At Arsenal, we need a person who is capable of pulling off the scams that they are up at Liverpool. The fact that we acquired less from the selling of Emiliano Martinez than Liverpool did for Brewster, shows we need to strengthen our sales team even more than we need to solidify our midfield.
Are there any other salespeople you believe could help bolster our sales team?
As ever, thanks a million for reading and like always, I bid thee, the most sincere, Toodloo...!
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