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Finton’s Frolic: 81 Things Bigger Than Tottenham

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

What up, Pimps?


Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today, on this fateful day before the North London Derby, we will discuss 81 things bigger than our cocky neighbors.


81 isn’t just a random pick out by the way, it’s how many times we’ve beaten them over our superior history. Here are 81 small, medium, big, and gargantuan things — you decide which is which — that are bigger than Spurs.

  1. Arsenal

  2. Luton Town

  3. Manchester City’s fan base

  4. Hale End

  5. Kai Havertz

  6. My comically small penis

  7. An ant

  8. Your mom

  9. Rice

  10. Declan rice

  11. Ricin

  12. Rice rice baby, the song

  13. The Arsenal Cannon Podcast’s fan base

  14. Thierry Henry’s amount of hair

  15. The number -743

  16. A drywall screw

  17. A single molecule

  18. Gary Neville’s ball knowledge

  19. A rabbit poop pellet

  20. Jack Grealish’s IQ

  21. Francis Coquelin’s Arsenal goal catalogue

  22. A dust particle (found in the Tottenham trophy cabinet)

  23. A Harry Kane spit particle

  24. A particle of anything, really, unless it’s big

  25. The dot after every number in this list

  26. The amount of licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop

  27. The amount of good people at Manchester United

  28. The Manchester United PR person’s work-life balance

  29. A tip of a ballpoint pen

  30. The amount of people who call Twitter “X”

  31. The number of sugar restrictions in the USA

  32. A mouse

  33. The amount of humility Cristiano Ronaldo possesses

  34. A Tesco meal deal shot with a shrink ray

  35. Fabio Vieira

  36. A lightbulb

  37. A microwave (not as in the appliance, as in a micro … wave)

  38. A speck of dirt

  39. The cap on one of the beers made at the Tottenham Hotspur stadium with that new under cup mechanism thingy

  40. San Marino’s winning record

  41. Rhode Island

  42. The amount of people who know what a semicolon is for

  43. The amount of people who pretend they know what a semicolon is for

  44. The Titanic submersible’s practicalness

  45. A breadcrumb

  46. The amount of money in Serie A

  47. An Appleseed

  48. Johnny Appleseed

  49. The amount of people who would guess Sean Dyche is a football manager when asked (basically none)

  50. David Raya’s nose

  51. Aaron Ramsdale’s heart

  52. Bukayo Saka’s brilliance

  53. Martinelli’s work ethic

  54. Ødegaard’s coolness

  55. Cedric Soares’ talent level

  56. A quail egg

  57. The egg Gunnersaurus hatched from

  58. The interestingness of someone talking about “field tilt”

  59. The amount of people in America who can live off of minimum wage

  60. An aglet (shoe lace plastic tip)

  61. A follicle of Arteta’s hair

  62. Wycombe Wanderers

  63. The amount of love a cat has for its owner (none)

  64. The amount of love Zouma has for cats (none)

  65. The amount I would pay to see Zouma mauled by a cat (a lot)

  66. People that are friends with the guy who runs West Ham Central

  67. The amount of Andrew Tate supporters that have ever even spoken to a women

  68. A thumbtack

  69. Lol nice (the amount of people who find the number 69 funny that are over 12)

  70. The care I have about Saka and Son hanging out

  71. Richard Keys’ morality

  72. The number of Twitter users who use spaces

  73. A raindrop upon the Emirates carpet

  74. People who read these

  75. A gnat’s eyelash

  76. Competitive minutes Emile Smith Rowe has received lately

  77. Cases of botox that have gone wrong

  78. The concept of there being a higher power present in our universe, but not one that can be simply classified as a “God” per se. But instead, the idea of energies alike all combining to create life as we know, and don’t know it, throughout space. It’s just not as simple as a God, or even an alien creating us and everything else that was, is, wasn’t, or isn’t. It’s bigger than that. And that idea is bigger than Tottenham.

  79. A blueberry

  80. The thankfulness and relief you have when you read: “that’s it folks, thanks for reading, share it with all of your cool uncles.”

  81. The number of trustworthy people who still say “Toodloo…!”

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