By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. I’m gonna keep things short today because I’m tired, fat and bald. So here are a collection of Arsenal stars, and who they’re a new version, or “regen” of.
Bukayo Saka - Arjen Robben
He’s gonna cut onto his left and there’s nothing you can do about it. Although he actually has a right foot and does extremely well to track back defensively, one can’t help but compare our star boy to the former Bayern, bald burner.
Declan Rice - Sergio Busquets
Even though he may not be as subtle as Busquets, and he's much more robust too, there are many times that you don’t notice Declan Rice until he comes out of nowhere with a bit of quality on the attacking or defensive end that leaves you wide eyed and drooling. His front footed-ness and strength make him seem a bit of a cheat code, and coupled with his frame, life ain’t fair.
“When you watch the game you don’t see B̶u̶s̶q̶u̶e̶t̶s̶ Rice, but when you watch him you see the game.” - That one Spain Coach (Daniel Finton revision [Colorized])
Gabriel Martinelli - Luis Suarez
Finishing, grinding, grafting, determination, a bit of a wanker sometimes, and not at all concerned about making it look pretty. These two South American ballers bring a hearty portion of dare I say, "bite" to the table every time they enter the pitch.
Kai Havertz - Thomas Müller
He may have the languid demeanor of a Mesut Özil, but Havertz is really a regeneration of Müller. Long, awkward and always fucking there. He may be viewed as a midfielder due to his passing ability and his habit of arriving late, but make no mistake, he is Ramdueter II plus cheekbones.
Mikel Arteta - Pep Guardiola
Kind of annoying, stylish, and a great leader who demands respect. Arteta may or may not just be copying everything Pep is doing, but he looks to be the next mega mind of the sport. Not a chance in hell he will ever go bald though. Checkmate, Mikel.
Eddie Nketiah - Country Music
Not even that bad but everyone hates him for some reason. Liked a lot by a tight borough of people that is also hated widely by the general public. Two hated peas, wearing blue jeans in a pod.
Leandro Trossard - An Engine-less Toyota
Looks great, efficient as hell, but won’t start for some odd reason…
Vastly superior to other "luxurious" options that are lauded for how cool they look and how fast they move, even though it is at a laughably low level efficiency-wise.
Jurrien Timber - A Dead Baby
The future looked so bright. He was adorable, the light of all of our lives. But it all ended before it ever even began.
Cedric Soares - Lucifer / That one Newcastle assistant coach
No words are needed. He’s the bane of all good that’s ever existed — hence the Lucifer comparison. And on the flip side, he photobombs better than anyone in the universe — like that annoying dork who works for Newcastle.
Have more regens in mind? Write a small note, give it to a pigeon and send it to me. Thanks for reading, you two.
Toodloo …!
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