By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. It’s the last of the year. We decided to squeeze this one in ahead of 2021s end, so it’s coming at y’all a little earlier than usual. Like all six of you weird shit-birds that read these give a damn.
Chief Editor Alfie released a We Love You Arsenal Awards piece just yesterday. And while it was fun to dwell on some of the good times of yesteryear, the bumptious Brighton boy — or Lovely London Local Lad as some, such as himself, still like to call him — really failed to acknowledge categories that actually matter. Without further adieu, here’s the winners of the 2021 awards that have true relevance in the grand scheme of things.
The Sexiest
We’ve some damn handsome players in the squad. This diverse unit of heart throbs well and truly has something for everyone. I can sit here and sell you on a few studs off the top of my red head, but there is no point in doing so when Pablo Mari is a thing.
It doesn’t matter what your “type” is. It doesn’t matter if you’re superficial, or not very “ficial”. Mari is a stunner. And the fact that he was signed is proof that pretty privilege is very real. There’s no way he should be an Arsenal player, even if he doesn’t play, but his looks got him to where he is.
As long as Mari is an Arsenal player, he will continue to win this prestigious accolade. The height. The face. The demeanor. And for the old Finton’s Frolic reader(s), he surely smells divine too.
The Come Back
Rob Holding went from barely Holding onto to his once pathetic, thinning locks, to Holding the award for the ultimate come back as well as a full head of shiny, new follicles.
Rather then embracing the bald, he stood strong in the face of it, and overcame the curse.
Holding is an inspiration for all the bald, or balding Pimps out there. You can be normal and actually attractive too! (I can say this all because I have the hairline of Sadio Mane and Charlie Adam’s love child, by the way. You can’t. Balding Pimps only.)
The Most Shit
Cedric.
The One Who Looks As If They Could Portray A Villain In A Brainless Action Movie - Such As A James Bond, Fast And Furious, Or Mission Impossible Film - The Best
While many in the squad have the looks to be in a movie — I’m objectifying you again, Mari — one stands out as the man who could play the villain, judging by the way he looks and sounds. It’s Bernd Leno.
Maybe it’s just my mushy and smooth American brain that still associates a German accent with the wars of “yester-decades-ago,” but Leno just sounds a bit evil to me.
“I am the number one," -Bernd Leno, and basically every egotistical villain in every movie ever made.
That coupled with his Draco Malfoy-colored-hair gives him villainous vibes. He kind of looks like he would play the main antagonist in a movie about tennis (old pod joke.) Or perhaps he looks like the heir to whoever that guy is that is the boss of the Storm Troopers in Star Wars. I could also see him as that one kid in the film that was just always going to succeed because of the family he was born into. And then he uses his born-with privilege evilly.
But yeah, Leno is the guy who looks like he’d make a good bad guy. Not as in like a bad dude that’s actually good, similar to Snape in Harry Potter, but like he’d pull off the role in a traditional film successfully. Like it would be believable if he was the guy behind all the naughty business. No double agent, or changing your mind nonsense like Snape or Darth Vader. He’s just a bad mamma jamma.
Who knows, maybe Aaron Ramsdale stealing Leno's number one spot is a vital part of his villain arch story. I wonder how he'll square up to Daniel Craig or Vin Diesel.
God
Sorry if this offends anyone. But I just don’t really believe in God. I know this isn’t the time or place to write about that, and this is just supposed to be a comedy article about Arsenal’s 2021, but I had to say it. This piece has me thinking all spiritually. Maybe because it’s so stupid I’m already hearing reader(s) say “Jesus Christ,” or “God save this idiot of a man,” under their breath(s) as if they’ve just read something unfathomably stupid.
Maybe I question things too much. Perhaps my neurotic mannerisms and somewhat miserable outlook on life would be lessened if I bought into religion. Sadly, however, I’m just too cynical.
Well, actually, that used to be the case. I do believe in God. And his name is Bukayo Saka.
Hear me out before you burn me at the stake or nail me to a cross.
We don’t deserve him, he’s unexplainably amazing, perfect in every way, and he made us what we are today. Is that not sort of God by definition? Maybe my Sunday school teachers didn’t educate me properly. However, I think they did. They were qualified high school students that were volunteering for no compensation whatsoever, after all.
Anyways, Saka is God, Leno is a villain (not Satan, just a villain, and not a villain that turns good at any point, just a pure and true bad fella), Cedric is shit, Holding has hair again, and Mari is sexy.
Maybe if this gets good engagement, I’ll make another next year. And if it doesn’t, maybe I still will. Just depends how lazy I’m feeling after 2022 ends. Also, can't make one if I'm brutally murdered by religious folks on Twitter or the Gram. Been there, done that. Don't recommend.
Happy New Year, Pimps. See you next year!
Toodloo …!
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