By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. If you’re one of the weirdos that actually read these you might be saying, “finally! Where has this eccentric idiot that makes me feel normal been?” I’ll tell you. A dark void of self loathing, questioning, and some other thing that’s either tiredness or depression. But I feel like if it was depression, I would know. Eh, who knows? Not me, obviously.
I’m fucking spent, Pimps. This semester at University has been the most productive few weeks in my life, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s kicking my ass.
As for self loathing, I hate how much work I’m having to do. I feel like I can never just relax and talk to my girlfriend Katie, real life friends, or the dorks that work for this website. It’s kind of turned into a chore to communicate and seeing as I love to talk, that’s sort of a problem.
The constant work has just made me feel so tired. I love writing these FFs, but now they’re starting to feel like a chore — almost as much as school work, and my shitty 20 hour a week job does — but that’s not okay, something isn’t right. I love to write even more than I love football.
But I’ve found myself just wanting to watch the game with no knowledge on it whatsoever. Like a nun watching hardcore porn. During our win against Newcastle, I was listening to it while driving to work for crying out loud. And then upon arriving to my job, I snuck in the back room to watch. If I got caught, I could’ve been fired. This isn’t the first or last time I’ve done or will do this, however, it gave me a feeling of dread that I can’t describe with a crass, Floridian analogy or synonym. Like y’all, watching Arsenal doesn’t pay me. So, I can’t really enjoy one of the things I love dearly, without it stressing me out, and the other thing I love the absolute most feels tedious.
So finally, that leads to my questioning of everything. What’s the point of life if you don’t get joy from doing what you love? What’s the purpose of gunning so hard for a dream that’s already stressing me out this much?
How the fuck is Emile Smith Rowe six feet tall?
Emile Smith Rowe
The guy buzzes around the pitch like a little bumble bee does a pretty smelling lady. He does so with legs that look stockier than that same bee with legs which were cut in half by a sadistic eight-year-old, and his pair of worn down scissors stolen from class.
But alas the guy is six feet tall. How is that even possible?
Maybe he’s just lying about an inch or so in the way that I do about my ...
Aaron Ramsdale
Aaron Ramsdale’s height deceives in the exact opposite way of “The Smith”. If you don’t know our shiny new shot stoppers height, take a guess, I’ll give you a sec.
Six feet, two inches. That’s it. I’d have guessed 6’4 or so. 6’2 is my height, and I still have to whip out the stool for some hard to reach places, and look pretty regular. But the man with a pocket of his grandads ashes (I’m not being an asshole, that’s wholesome as hell, and we love him for it), has crazy hops. I’m sure he effortlessly touched the rim of the basketball hoop in school, impressing all the pretty smelling Pimps mentioned earlier.
Pierre Emerick ... Auba
Get this, our captain is the same height as Ramsdale!
Watching most 6’2 guys do a front flip would be like watching me try to write a serious piece. Clunky, and similar to a car crash in the way that it’s so bad you can’t look away #TraumatizinglyBad.
In spite of his height, the skipper only weighs 14 pounds (1 rock, or stone, or pebble, idk). He does not, in fact, weigh nothing, even though his diminutive presence in matches past have made him seem like he’s not actually a being on this planet at all. He is.
Bukayo Saka
This guy HAS to be lying about his height. And by quite a lot. This is like me saying I have the member of the actor in that hardcore porn we mentioned earlier. Apparently, Saka is 5’10. Oh yeah, and I’m funny. As if.
You don’t call a guy a couple of inches from six feet, “little chili”. Five foot 10 isn’t even that small. At that rate, you can pretty much lie and say you’re six feet. We thought Saka was pure. Turns out he’s a liar. Or, someone on the internet is, but I doubt that as people online never lie.
Well, I’m gonna call it there. All of the other heights don’t really surprise me. Mohammed Elneny is 5’11 and refuses to lie and round up. True king. Or pharaoh, or whatever else. President..? It’s 2021, he can be what he wants. Just not an Arsenal player here soon, preferably.
Gabriel is 6’3 but carries himself like he’s 6’4 or 6’5. But six foot three is a weird height. I feel like once you’re there, or taller, you’re considered a big mother fucker. It’s sort of like turning 24 as a footballer. You can’t play for the U23 side, so you’re an old goat now. For that reason, he was excluded.
Anyways, thanks for reading my existential intro and this eye brow raising piece. I’ll catch y’all on the next installment a few months from now.
Toodloo...!
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