By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. It’s the Five Hundred Fiftieth piece on weloveyouarsenal.co.uk. Landmark. And isn’t it crazy that five hundred fifty and Finton’s Frolic sort of have the same initials? It was meant to be.
Additionally, the Arsenal Cannon Podcast is three years old today! We’re getting old at WLYA Productions, Pimps. But worry not, like a fine wine, and unlike Auba, we’ll do nothing but improve with age. More ambitious projects are on the horizon and even better content is coming soon.
Anyways, I’m in the break room at work writing up this introduction — so I wasn’t able to watch todays Saturday fixture — as usual. So instead, I’m basing today’s piece off of some highlight reel. What could go wrong?
Answer: a hell of a lot more than what did for Arsenal. Leeds were pathetic. However, seeing as they had a 15-year-old on their bench, who’s probably “@AmazingAyling” on football Twitter, or “RambunctiousRaphinha” on Tik Tok, it’s understandable. Arsenal didn’t care though. We were merciless.
The pair of goals from Gabriel Martinelli did nothing but show his class. Each was a beautiful effort well beyond his youthful years. The assists were just as sexy on each too. From the Martinelli-esque pressing from Lacazette, to the impeccable vision from Xhaka, the final passes were simply gorgeous.
And if this performance is anything to go by, Xhaka is the Swiss Pirlo, minus the marinara and composure. Martinelli is the Brazilian Alexis Sanchez. Gross. Maybe Luis Suarez.
The third goal from Saka really showed how poor Leeds were. He seemed to have the ball for like three hours, like Iwobi used to try to do. But he actually finished his dinner unlike the self-starving Nigerian. With Saka’s goalless, yet exceptional performance against West Ham, he fully deserved the mark on his season tally.
“Benjamin” White conceded a horrendous penalty. But remember what Wenger said, “Pimps, hear me out. If you buy a puppy (young defender), he’s gonna do dumb shit sometimes.” And boy was the tackle bad and stupid from White.
It was hilarious to see Ramsdale clap for the challenge. He didn’t mean to be sarcastic, I’m sure, but seeing as it was so appalling from the former Leeds man, it came off as such. Remember when Ramsdale said White threatened to punch him when he made saves? Maybe someone needs to threaten White the same if he does that again.
The final goal was one Chief Editor Alfie Culshaw will be happy with. Blonde excellence. Though Ødegaard had an xA (or however the fuck you use that) of 735, he only managed one assist. And that was thanks to fellow blonde babe Smith Rowe.
Our new number 10 is relishing his headliner role. He’s been our most potent player this season by eye and by stat. And if him and the almighty Ø can keep it up, we’re in good hands going into the rest of the campaign.
If the highlights, and moreover this performance was anything to go by, we’re the best side in the world. But also Cedric is a bad footballer.
Toodloo…!
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