By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today, we’re going to discuss Mikel Arteta’s clear interest in the ever-controversial government style of communism. I know we like to keep things light and silly around here, but today I felt it necessary to use my massive platform to touch on a serious issue.
I know what all 2 of you reading this are thinking. “Mikel? A commie? Surely not. It can’t be so.” But after I deliver these startling factors to you and mix them all up into a deep red smoothie that reeks of communism, you’ll understand what I mean. The flavor of the mashup won’t be cherry as its blood red hue may suggest, but instead “government-that-promises-equality-to-all-but-never-provides-it” flavored.
The first and foremost startling component of the smoothie is the clear disdain for Americans. He knows that only the Yanks have the cojones to fight against the red wave overtaking our club. The likes of Balogun, Turner and Trusty are all surely large supporters of the vastly superior, never-fucked-anyone-over-ever form of government: capitalism. Mikel knows that. In order to rule with a red fist, he must nullify the threat the three freedom fighters / main characters would undoubtedly promise.
Secondly, we wear red. If Arteta was a true, decent leader that led in a way which ACTUALLY wanted equality for all, he would change that dreaded color from red to … whatever color the other government types are. His lack of action speaks volumes.
Finally, he paid a whomping £100 million for Rice. In a capitalist market, that allows companies to freely compete with each other, rice would only cost about £3 per bag. But sadly, though communism promises equality, it gives the government the power to control everything, including prices. And the thankless market has upped the price of a simple food item to millions upon millions of dollars. Soon high ranking government officials, possibly including Arteta and his commie entourage, will be eating rice as a status symbol — one intended to signify their dominance over the general public. (DISCLAIMER: MIKEL ARTETA AND HIS REPORTEDLY COMMUNIST ENTOURAGE WILL NOT CONSUME THE ENGLISH FOOTBALLER DECLAN RICE. THE WRITER OF THIS PIECE, WHOM HAS A REMARKABLY LOW IQ, DOES NOT INTEND TO LEAD THE READER TO BELIEVE THAT ARTETA AND HIS COACHING STAFF WILL CANNIBALIZE THE NEW SIGNING.)
All in all, I would consider Arteta’s commitment to such a flawed form of government as questionable to say the least. Although it’s not nearly as concerning as Pochettino’s links to fascism, it is still a troubling conflict for gooners alike to be a part of. It will be fascinating to see how the gun slinging, capitalism-loving Kroenke’s react to such a young, promising and integral member of Arsenal falling victim to the pipe dream of an idea communism is.
Toodloo…!
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