By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today, we’re gonna talk about sex.
I know what you’re thinking — “Daniel, should an article about intercourse from the likes of you really be available to the general public rather than behind a pay wall? You ARE a symbol of coitus among the Arsenal faithful, after all. Surely this shan’t be free.” Well, dear friend, I truly believe everyone deserves to hop into the ever sensual mind of my own to see what’s what. So here you go. Slide in. (First of many innuendos, buckle up.)
Ripped socks are the new craze. And they have spectators going wild. Various reports, have stated that the streets of London are flooded with drool and seminal fluids and have been for the entire season due to our players, and others, wearing holy socks (per the AthletDick). And not holy as in religious. Not a whole lot of praying and faith going on these days. Everyone is just too horny to pray.
Pimps, we haven’t seen this much skin since that picture of Paul Scholes’ pink, pubey pecker plagued platforms across the internet. And holy socks are just going to become ever-more common.
The calves on display are clearly a distraction for the opposition and one that the newcomers within the division simply can’t handle. The likes of Burnley, Luton and Sheffield aren’t doing poorly because they’re bad at football. It’s deeper than that. In the Championship this type of sexual looseness is not tolerated. Players simply aren’t allowed to free any body part, whether it be the nipple or the calves.
But in the Prem, anything goes. And for Arsenal, that can be a cheat code.
Our players have some of the most robust legs in the world. Only Jack Grealish can be ranked higher than the likes of our boys, but for him, ripped socks aren’t an option — he’s just too busty and gifted. But if our players continue to keep showing off their goods then we will surely have a strong semen. I mean season. Sorry. Sex on the brain.
So keep an eye out for more holes in socks going into the future. But maybe wear a rubber when you do so. The drainage of London simply can’t handle the influx of sexually induced liquids flooding the cobblestone streets.
I know many people that aren’t sexually liberated will read this and say, “well the holes are just there because the socks are too tight. You’re just a dumb hick and you’re probably a virgin because you’re so ugly and lame and bald.”
To them I say put a sock in it. A holy one. Again, not as in a religious sense. Like, don’t actively go out and get a pastor’s sock and put it in your mouth. It would be lunacy to intrude on a respected religious man’s sermon only to ask for his tube sock to put it into your mouth to avoid saying mean things to me. Unless that’s what you’re into of course. No kink shaming in the Finton’s Frolic sexually free zone.
I digress, speaking of God, the reality is Arteta will have planned this. He works in mysterious ways. He’s the one working long nights snipping the socks of his bitches. He is the Pimp. Just like all of you sexually liberated readers reading this.
Anyways I’m not sure how to end this. Just ask my girl, I’m not good at finishing things I do.
Toodloo…!
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